What's on top??
How to lose a flirty friend in 21days
I met her on a Friday, early in November, random chat site, actually swiped off and we found each other again........
My inner child has longed for one person to care, to constantly check in and genuinely be interested in my day-to-day activities.
Looking back, I can't believe the amount of time and effort I invested trying to find my person, only to find myself empty-handed and almost empty-hearted.
As a child, I found myself lost in the radical empathy that would occur while watching romantic scenes on screen and the ups and downs of TV families.
Getting a taste of it made me crave it in real life. I found myself immersed in drama, and although it wasn't intentional, it was the only way I knew how, imitating fiction. This resulted in a few toxic relationships, and it also meant I chose damsel in distress and aimed to make their dreams come true.
Until I met someone who changed my life, mostly for the better. That said, the encounter exposed the wounds of my inner child, the longing to have one person to always care. I thought my search was over, and when I had had enough of chasing the ghost of our connection, I crumbled, I stopped experiencing joy inside my heart, I couldn't even feel my heart.
Fast forward to the present day, unexpectantly, I collided with a person far from a damsel in distress, and yet I couldn't help but make that assumption due to the situation she was in and the circumstances of her ended marriage.
This became my truth:
I'm sorry I got attached to you so quickly.
I didn't mean to, it just happened.
I'd been numb for so long. I kept telling myself I was fine, convincing others I was okay, and distracting myself. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t sad either — I was just existing, trying to find what was missing and also accepting that it may be lost forever. Day after day. Alone. Silent. I had forgotten what it felt like to genuinely care.
Then you came along and suddenly, somehow, I felt something real again.
And honestly, that scared me.
It was surreal watching how my subconscious love bombed you with all my tricks. Even though my logic knew it was too much too soon.
I didn't mean to put that all on you. I got caught up in what it felt like to care again and to have someone care back. Someone whose messages made me smile and whose voice brightened my mood.
That was a heart waking up after being quiet for so long....
And when the weeks went by, and having you in my life became routine, you became my drug. Your good morning texts became what I loved to wake up to, and checking in with you became my labour of love.
Then you had a busy week, and that went out the window. Naturally, my inner child freaked out, and I found myself needing to move into self-preservation. I knew it would cost my transparency with you, so I made a conscious decision to be vulnerable with you and let you in on what was happening.
Once again, I didn't mean to put that all on you. I got caught up in wanting to ensure I was my authentic self with you and not trying to show a pleasing side just to keep you engaged.
You showed me kindness and gave me comfort in your words. Your voice soothed the worries that brewed within, and what followed was peace.
That's the miraculous thing about healing, when all the parts that are in play are doing so at the right time, healing almost seems instantaneous. I felt the desperation in my heart that needed to be in contact with her dissipate. But what was realised in that moment was that even without it, I still enjoyed hearing from her and having a crush on her.
And in all my healing, I might have stumbled, shown too much, or cared too loudly. I scared her off. That said, it came from a place of honesty, it came from the broken parts and also the healing parts.
It might have only been a 21-day flirty friendship. It was life-changing, an awakening and such a blessing. I now know to speak my truth, valid my experience and stay true to what I value transparency.
