Summer Loving
For the past two years, “heartbreak” consumed me, rather than feeling like a break, it felt more like not having a heart. I had lost the joy of music because for me you need a heart to connect to the lyrics, as a lover of words, it’s the lyrics that move me just as much as the voice that sings them. I’d lost the very thing that connected me to joy and because my logic brain had spat the dummy due to getting fed up of sucking at life as a result of my grief, I was slowly digging myself a hole of no return. My logic brain had bound my emotional brain up, forced it to sit the f*** down and shut the f*** up while it built me up again. That’s what led me home and to finally studying counselling.
I knew I wasn't fully myself again, being in a room full of 60+ people (I love meeting new people, well I used to), I felt no desire to get to know anyone and be friends with anyone, likewise, the lover of people in me needed a heart to embrace everyone and anyone like I used to. Luckily for me, a few people still managed to slip through the cracks and became my support system throughout the year. And also, my chauffeur, thanks Jo. I had a strict plan to get me through assignment time, just get them done one at a time and by the due date. The faster they are done, the less cortisol I have in my system and better I will feel going into the summer break.
Summer Break
One fine November evening, post assignments, I was reflecting on how much I missed the happy go lucky extrovert in me and wondered what I needed to do to coax her out. My reflection led me to the time I was introduced to online chatting, and it was the online forum that the extrovert in me came out which spilled out into real life. So that’s what I did, I decided to find that spark and boy, were there sparks, misfires and full-on explosions but not in the beautiful fireworks kind of way. There were two main victims. I call them that because my emotional brain took over and made an absolute fool of me, led by the neediness of my inner child, these poor women copped some epic tantrums. The value in all this is I got to have a bird’s eye view of my “moves” and did not like what I saw one bit.
Victim 1 – From Canada, loves to cook
She was looking for a distraction from her situation of being the other women, something that was all too familiar for me. One thing I can do well apparently through a screen, is show someone I genuinely care for them and she responded to that. I wasn’t into her looks, but her voice and story drew me in. Well, the attention from her drew me in and the dopamine I got from making her feel good drew me in. I found myself writing her a letter to let her know how special she was and also, sending her songs because that is a way in which I show love. My nervous system got used to having her around and I could predict when she would text me, so when the communication patterns changed, it freaked out and I found myself needing to take premeditative measures to protect myself…. But I didn’t want to, having to play the self-preservation card, just seem inauthentic to me and in this new version of me, transparency is king. So, I did the opposite. I expressed to her how I was feeling and what I needed. It seems to have gone down well. Then *poof* as quickly as she showed up in my life, she disappeared. I do not blame her.
So, what were the lessons here, I was able to view my actions like a fly on the wall. I watched myself love bomb this girl and it made me a tad sick to my stomach. I even questioned her how she let me in so easily given her history. She said she felt the difference between someone wanting to manipulate her and someone wanting to care deeply for her. If only she knew, it was more for me to feel secure.
Victim 2 – Small town NZ, Foodie
I’m actually really sad about this second person, usually when I pour my heart out to make someone feel special, it is met with good feels but because this was in addition to the other crazy shit I came up with in the week, it did not go down well and she finally ran in the opposite direction. I don’t blame her though and I take full ownership of scaring her away. The joke was on me, my bestie told me not to scare her away, I joked that it was on my to do list and I got what I asked for.
Anyways, that’s how it ended, let’s talk about how it started. I joined a dating app, it definitely wasn’t love at first glance of her profile picture but staying true to “friendship” I was like sure why the f*** not. 40yo (just), I was 39yo at the time and what I came to realise was I was an ageist which meant that I didn’t consider people my age or older, attractive. I started the conversation with asking what made her become a teacher? which spoke to a core wound of mine, when I had accepted that I was going to always love women, at 11yo I decided I would not pursue being a teacher because the thought of putting myself in a position exposed to the criticism of homophobic parents just didn’t seem like something I wanted to deal with. I wasn’t expecting to have a crush on her but the more she spoke, the more I was drawn into her orbit. And I found myself writing her a letter. It wasn’t like any letter I’d written before because I’ve never, not chased the girl. She was looking for a life partner, and I was looking for someone to say good morning to me, ask about my day and good night, on top of that I had plans to leave the country indefinitely once my studies are done. I was far from being her ideal partner and the plan was always to just be a friend but as time went by, I found parts of her that made me feel my heart in my chest again. Chasing her wasn’t an option but I also was aware that there was no chance of telling my heart “no”. I woke up on boxing day, full of feels and I unleash them into my planning diary, hoping to shut down my feeling and continue being friends with her.
I reacted to her, “this is so lovely but too soon reply” and believed the best thing to do was to shut it down all together. I wish I had left it there and never messaged her again for her sake.
The journey and the lesson: A while back, I was evaluating the people I had loved in the past, why I chose them and what it is that I want in my forever person. The more I created the image of this person in my head, I also felt a sense of self doubt of being worthy of this person, I didn’t understand why and didn’t give it airtime because my belief on that is there is no such thing as not being worthy of a person. I wish I had listened. It was that sad lil monster that sat on my shoulder throughout that caused me to constantly spiral and want more from her, mainly reassurance that I was important and that she would stick around. Why would she give me reassurance though, we are just friends. I couldn’t handle the thought of someone like her, liking me back in that way, someone that had an incredible personality, a beautiful heart and an alluring sense of humour. I didn’t know how important having a person that could make me laugh was for me. As expected, my spiralling diminished that fondness she had for me. Throw in booking a flight to her small town. Considering moving there just to up my chances and then pouring out how I saw her from my heart’s perspective, even using the words “badass goddess” which without context sounds bat shit crazy, I was thinking of all the goddesses that I met at Anara.
I even said to her I can quote Shakespeare, but this was the best I could do. I was so desperate to correct the bad vibes, all she picked up was desperation and replied that she said she would back off now. I responded by saying, I would delete her number. When I think about how this all played out, I was transparent from the get-go and maybe that was my Achilles heel, that said I felt 100% me. I didn’t play games or make any moves to impress her or draw her closer, well I tried my best not to, a few slipped through. Regardless, she was too wise to be swept away by words and knew that true connection happens over time. I reacted to her resistance hence she got me in my rawest form, my broken and healing forms. And yet, she still picked up on the good in me. She saw the beautiful heart and was fond of those things. How could I not fall for someone who is getting the worst of me and yet saw beauty?
C’est la vie! She has given me something to look forward to. Because I truly believe that someone like her will come along and match my feels. My studies was my main focus, thanks to her I’m going to put a little bit more energy into finding my person now, knowing how wondrous life can be with someone who makes you laugh.
